I try to keep it light and humorous, because god knows there’s a lot to be humorous about and god knows that if we don’t laugh we’ll cry,
Today is different. Things have gotten fucked up in this country to a degree that they may never be un-fucked up again.
A mixture of right wingers, Nazis, and Klansman are rallying in Virginia. A group of counter-protesters are also there. A knuckle-dragger drove his Dodge Challenger straight into the group of counter-protesters, killing one and injuring many others. Later the craven coward ditched his vehicle and is currently at large.
But we can’t call them deplorable, because gosh darn it, that would just be impolite.
There will come a day, probably very soon, when we all have to pick sides. I don’t see any other way this will work out. But I also don’t see much reason for optimism.
Once upon a time there was a young monk named Sam. He belonged to an order that was renowned for beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song echoed down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
The order spoked regularly about an octave of rumored Magical Notes. Musicians had only theorized that these notes must exist, yet no one had ever reached one.
But Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And they all realized, instantly, that Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the Magical Notes.
On Sam’s 20th birthday it happened again. This time no one in the town moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note.
The next year on Sam’s 21st birthday, a pattern had emerged. This time all the townspeople were present, listening in awe as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. Words could not do justice to the experience. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter, year after year… that is until Sam’s 25th birthday. At first all seemed normal until Sam hit the next Magical Note. But this new sound was not beautiful; it was jarring and discordant. Sam was visibly uncomfortable, but doubled his resolve to get to the sweet part of the next Magical Note.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk. “What happened?” he asked.
The old monk shook his head sadly. “Isn’t it obvious?” he said.
“Sam sung Note 7.”
What if there really is a guy named John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?
And he’s terrified to leave his home, because whenever he goes out, people yell at him?
Evangelicals during the Clinton Administration: “If he’ll cheat on his wife, he’ll cheat on his country.”
Evangelicals during the Trump Administration: * crickets *
Hash Marx – The family stoner, along with Hi Marx
Stretch Marx – The tallest one in the family
Punctuation Marx – Script editor
Check Marx – He kept the books
Registration Marx – Civil rights advocate
Pock Marx – The dermatologist
Skid Marx – Suffered from incontinence
Water Marx – Had a similar problem
Chalk Marx- Homicide detective
Nose Marx – The dog of the family
Bench Marx – Never was put in the game
Ear Marx – Someone was always giving him money
Bite Marx – A bit of a perv
Deutsch Marx – Their German cousin
Den Marx – Their Scandinavian cousin
Hall Marx – He never forgot a birthday
X Marx – Who didn’t like to be put on the spot
Scuff Marx – Never polished his shoes
Book Marx – He liked to bet on the ponies
Re Marx – He wouldn’t shut up
Trade Marx – Very possessive about his inventions
Birth Marx – Easy to spot when sunbathing
Land Marx – Led the way on expeditions
Beauty Marx – The family transvestite
Pencil Marx – Worked as a police sketch artist
Onya Marx – Their little-known Olympian sister
Post Marx – He always delivered
Guy Marx-Khin – Tattoo artist who married into the family