We take you now to the Minnesota DMV.Posted: March 8, 2019 Filed under: "It Seems To Me" | Tags: highways 1 Comment
License-Renewal Clerk: Very good. We’ve almost finished your driver license renewal. I have just one more official question I need to ask.
Customer: Great. What is it?
Clerk: “On which Minnesota highway will you be driving the most?”
Customer: That’s easy. Highway 65.…
Clerk (to himself): Highway 65, eh? Excellent. (Pulls out pocket watch and dangles it by the chain. To customer:) I need you to stare at this pocket watch.
Customer: Pocket watch? Why?….. (dazed:) Ohhhhhhhh….
Clerk: You are getting very, very sleepy.
Customer (dazed): Sleepy… yes… very sleepy…
Clerk: When I snap my fingers you will wake up. You will forget this discussion. But whenever you see a GREEN LIGHT, you will fall instantly and heavily to sleep. Do you understand?
Customer (still dazed): Yes…. Master….
Clerk: Excellent. (snaps fingers, customer wakes up) Well, there you are, sir. Your renewed Minnesota driver license.
Customer (as he’s leaving): Wonderful! Thank you! Off to drive home on Highway 65!
Clerk (chuckling darkly to self…..): Meh heh heh heh….
Congratulations.Posted: July 25, 2018 Filed under: "It Seems To Me" | Tags: fearless leader, Republicans 1 Comment
I hate meetings.Posted: July 18, 2018 Filed under: "It Seems To Me" | Tags: annoyances 1 Comment
I really, really do. They’re an unnecessary time waster, they interrupt momentum that could be directed toward more pressing tasks, there are many more innovative methods these days for communicating information, and the people who actually LIKE the meetings do everything they can to pad them out to the inconvenience of others.
I know I’m not alone in this. I’m sure there are many others in my office who also dislike meetings. I’m thinking of identifying these people and scheduling a time where we can all sit down together and share our thoughts and feelings. I’m considering reserving a conference room for this, and sending out emails to all concerned letting them know about this event. I’ll create an agenda that lists all the aspects we want to discuss about our aversion to meetings. We’ll ask someone to write down everything that is said, and later send these notes out to all participants to review in advance of an additional gathering. Additions or subtractions to this list of concerns will be submitted ahead of time so that the group can decide to accept or deny them. Maybe there’s even a book available that lists out rules of order that we can follow.
“The building is on fire.”Posted: July 18, 2018 Filed under: Shenanigans and monkeyshines | Tags: work a day world Leave a comment
“Okay, how quickly can we convene a meeting of the Ad Hoc Fire Exit Committee?”
“Um… there doesn’t seem to be a meeting room available until next Thursday.”
“Well, can we make sure to have a quorum present?”
“Not unless we include the note-taker as a voting member.”
“Done. And we need to make sure that any action we may take is not construed as a criticism of our valued fire-fighting professionals.”
“We can ask the Fire Fighters Union to send a representative, but I believe the members of their steering committee are all on vacation.”
“Well, then, I guess we’ll just have to wait. Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?”
Presidential fast food, explained.Posted: July 17, 2018 Filed under: "It Seems To Me" | Tags: dufus Leave a comment
Think of how many pics we’ve seen of Dufus eating McDonalds hamburgers and KFC chicken. At first I thought it was nothing but a PR stunt. “See! I’m just like you! I eat fast food on my private jet – just like you!”
Turns out it’s not just a stunt. This supposed “billionaire restauranteur” actually eats nothing but fast food. So the question is: why?
Well, he can pop into a Mickey D’s or KFC, and no one would possibly know he was coming. He’s worried about being poisoned.
But wait a minute. Poison? Who the hell still poisons someone in the 21st century?
Things Republicans Teach Their KidsPosted: July 11, 2018 Filed under: "It Seems To Me" | Tags: Republicans, sad days for the Republic Leave a comment
The House GOP’s new slogan. This is not a joke.Posted: July 11, 2018 Filed under: Word Up | Tags: Republicans, wackjobs Leave a comment
Behold the new slogan for the Republicans in the US House of Representatives: “BETTER OFF NOW.”
Don’t laugh; they just made a spelling error.
It should be “BUGGER OFF NOW.”
That’s right: you didn’t think.Posted: July 10, 2018 Filed under: "It Seems To Me" | Tags: Republicans Leave a comment
My dad had a saying, back in the day. If my brother or I messed something up, and we tried to explain it to him by saying, “Well, I didn’t think it would (fill in the blank),” he would reply, “That’s right: you didn’t think!”
It should be obvious to everyone now that the right wing doesn’t think things through.
When you treat black athletes kneeling as “disrespectful” to America, but do or say nothing about confederate flags and Nazi flags being waved alongside the US flag…
When you yell “All Lives Matter!”, but shrug and run away when refugee children need help…
When you treat Muslims and immigrants as some sort of super-danger, but do nothing when white non-Muslim native-born men are slaughtering innocent people in churches, movie theaters, and schools…
When the same evangelicals who supported the disastrous Iraq War “because it’s the End Times” are now celebrating the current government regime…
When you demand “respect,” but vote for the most disrespectful President in American history…
Did you think people weren’t going to notice the inconsistencies, contradictions, and hypocrisy? Did you think people were going to be OK with the disparity and double standards? Did you think we should just show you “civility,” after you have rejected it for so long?
That’s right: you didn’t think.
(With acknowledgment to blogger ck4829.)
Slightly risqué joke for a Friday.Posted: July 6, 2018 Filed under: Shenanigans and monkeyshines | Tags: religion Leave a comment
A race of aliens visits Earth one day. They come in peace; and, surprisingly, they speak perfect English.
Obviously it’s a once-in-a-lifetime event. All of the heads of world government and all the religious leaders want to speak to the aliens. So a meeting is set up.
Leaders from across the globe each get a turn to question the aliens. When it’s the Pope’s turn, he asks, “Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?”
“You mean J.C?” responds one of the aliens. “Yeah, we know him! He’s the greatest, isn’t he? J.C. swings by every year to make sure that we are doing okay.”
The Pope is flabbergasted, as are the rest of the dignitaries. After a few awkward moments the Pope follows up by asking, “He visits every year?! It’s been more than two millennia for us, and we’re still awaiting his SECOND coming!”
The alien sees that the Pope is rattled by this, and tries to soften the blow. “Gee, I don’t know,” he replies. “Maybe he likes our chocolates better than yours?”
“Chocolates? What are you talking about?” the Pope says, incredulously. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, when J.C. first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates,” the alien says. “Why? What did you guys do?”
The World Of Unanticipated ConsequencesPosted: June 29, 2018 Filed under: "It Seems To Me" | Tags: conservatives, unanticipated consequences Leave a comment
With Justice Kennedy retiring, and Doofus getting ready to appoint Ted Nugent (or some other legal genius) to the Supreme Court, many people (myself included) are fearing the reversal of Roe v Wade.
Welcome to the part of the show we call “The World Of Unanticipated Consequences.”
If the evangelicals get their fevered wet dream, if Roe is reversed and abortion is outlawed, what will be the consequence? Simple, really, if you think about it:
MASSIVE TAX INCREASES IN ALL 50 STATES.
States will need to prepare for large tax increases that will be needed to build new schools and hire more teachers.
States have gotten used to low birth rates. The tax increases will need to start on the very day abortions are outlawed, because finding the land and building the new schools will take time.
Increased budgets for hiring more teachers will be needed in five to six years. That should also be included in the planning.
So outlawing abortions will lead to massive tax increases. Hope you’re ready for that, right wingers.
This has been “The World Of Unanticipated Consequences.”