In honor of World Poetry Day, March 21

Roses are red
Burritos are yummy
If you voted for Trump
Then you’re just a big dummy

Roses are red
So is Superman’s cape
I wonder how long
Till we see the pee tape?

Roses are red
Like a red rubber ball
And Mexico says
They won’t pay for the wall

Roses are red
Like fast sporty cars
I can’t wait to see
His ass behind bars

Roses are red
So they’re easy to find
He can’t keep his lips
Off of Putin’s behind

Roses are red
Like a nasty infection
Now Stormy has photos
Of his tiny erection

Roses are red
Puppies are cute
He paid off a hooker
And Christians are mute

Roses are red
Tambourines jingle
And his trophy wife
Wishes she was still single

Roses are red
Like Putin, his crony
And that whole election
Was phony baloney

Roses are red
Like a big fire truck
And all of his followers
Are scary AF

Roses are red
They require lots of water
It’s creepy as hell
That he’s hot for his daughter

Roses are red
Like cherries with pits
We can’t see his taxes
But we’ve seen his wife’s tits

Roses are red
Like a circus balloon
I hope Robert Mueller
Can wrap this up soon

Roses are red
Like the stuff in our veins
I really do miss
A President with brains


Evangelical rant.

There are Evangelical Christians who would have happily trotted off with the devil in the desert.

“But his strong leadership is what’s important. I mean, he’s Satan. We know he’s not a choirboy.

Plus, Mr. Satan promised us he wouldn’t kill the babies until AFTER they’re born.”


From the brilliant Adam Dawson:

“Universal background checks would be a logistical nightmare.”

Then let it be a logistical nightmare.

At this point the argument seems to be: it it is difficult, or doesn’t work at a rate of 100%, it’s just too much of a cross for gun owners to carry around.

I’m done worrying about whether or not gun owners are inconvenienced in their hobby. That is the least of my concerns.

A solution so simple, I’m surprised no one has done it already.

Let’s consider states assessing a tax on military-style weapons with automatic or semi-automatic settings. If we can’t get the neutered, NRA-owned Congress to do the right thing and ban them, let’s pressure states to tax them based on the costs of medical needs for victims of mass shootings.

Sure, you could buy an AR-15 for $400, but you would also pay an ANNUAL tax of $10,000 to cover medical bills for victims.

See? Nobody is banning your precious. Nobody is infringing your right to own your precious. You just have to pay for the cleanup, like a responsible gun owner should.

Problem solved. Next problem.

Time for some rebranding.

American Evangelicals have outed themselves as cold hard opportunists who ignore their own teachings and morals, and support any skeevy candidate (e.g., former Supreme Court Justices who preyed on adolescent girls) if they think it will gain them some power.



When gardens are outlawed, only outlaws will have gardens

Let’s say that my hobby is gardening. My family has been gardening for generations. I’ve been gardening since I was a young kid. I’ve won some trophies, grown some record-setting produce, and I really enjoy my time in nature.

Now let’s say that gardening kills people. All across the country, dozens of people die from gardening each day. In fact, some people are drawn to gardening specifically because it kills people.

As a result, some well-meaning people are suggesting common-sense restrictions on gardening. Naturally I’m upset. I’m a good gardener, I tell them, and the only thing that will stop a bad gardener is a good gardener.

Nonetheless, people young and old continue to die from gardening at an alarming rate. Garden stores and farmers’ markets are setting sales records. Many people say it’s just to feed their families, but it’s obvious that there’s more to it. They even tell me: I’ll give them my pitchfork when they pry it from my cold dead hands.

Now people walk by, see my garden, and think: I’m going to start gardening too. They aren’t very responsible, though, and people get killed; sometimes in their own back yards.

Yeah, I have a right to a garden. But I also have a sense of right and wrong. No matter how careful I may be, others who look to me are reckless and dangerous. I don’t want that on my conscience.

There are other hobbies.

A question for the “values voters”

He’s a treasonous, disloyal, philandering, irresponsible, uncouth, racist, uncaring, egocentric, narcissistic sociopath with a stool specimen where his brain should be.

What part of that reminds you of Jesus?