Today is opening day for the 152nd Minnesota State Fair. The Great Minnesota Get-Together, the largest state fair in the US by average daily attendance, and second only to Texas in total attendance. It’s a late-summer tradition for hundreds of thousands of Minnesotans, who come out to celebrate all that our great state has to offer. The State Fair balances traditional hallmarks and modern expectations, and creates summertime memories for rural families and urban dwellers alike.
And you know what that means, don’t you?
KOOL 108 has started playing Christmas music.
* CLICK * “Captain, this is Confounder Number One. Do you read me?”
“Copy, Confounder Number One. Report, please.”
“Roger. We are in position on the interstate. Myself and Confounders Two, Three, and Four have boxed in McKinney on all sides, and are impeding his progress as we practiced.”
“Copy. What is McKinney’s current estimated velocity?”
“Approximately 5 mph, Captain.”
“Not slow enough, gentlemen. We need to make it half that. Confounder Number One! Who’s our slowest driver within hailing distance?”
“Um… Bimbleman, sir. In the 1985 Yugo.”
* CLICK * “Bimbleman, this is the captain. We need you to pull into position directly in front of McKinney, and slow down his progress by half. Can you do that, Bimbleman?”
* CLICK* “…………Ten…………….four.”
“You’re a good man, Bimbleman. Signing off.”
“This may be the year when we finally come face to face with ourselves; finally just lay back and say it—that we are really just a nation of 220 million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns, and no qualms at all about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable… Jesus! Where will it end? How low do you have to stoop in this country to be President?”
“There was some consolation, though. When he would go into the other room, to the kitchen, or to the bathroom, she would hold onto my hand and she would say, ‘I wish it were just you and me here.’
And I remember thinking, ‘You could make that happen.’
The way she said it was as though she wasn’t involved in the decision process. Like, ‘I’d love to, but the boys in corporate…'”
Check this out. Through my sources I was able to get a copy of a syllabus from a class at Trump University. These things are guarded like Fort Knox gold, so you can imagine how excited I am to take a look at this.
This is from a class called “International Business Policy 101.” Herewith is the entire class syllabus –
Day 1: Kiss Vladimir Putin’s left buttcheek
Day 2: Kiss Vladimir Putin’s right buttcheek
Day 3: Here’s your diploma
“Ees simple, Natasha! Vhile moose and squirrel are at Democratic convention, Fearless Leader says ve must make America great again! Meh-heh-heh-heh!”