We take you now to the Minnesota DMV.

License-Renewal Clerk: Very good. We’ve almost finished your driver license renewal. I have just one more official question I need to ask.

Customer: Great. What is it?

Clerk: “On which Minnesota highway will you be driving the most?”

Customer: That’s easy. Highway 65.

Clerk (to himself): Highway 65, eh? Excellent. (Pulls out pocket watch and dangles it by the chain. To customer:) I need you to stare at this pocket watch.

Customer: Pocket watch? Why?….. (dazed:) Ohhhhhhhh….

Clerk: You are getting very, very sleepy.

Customer (dazed): Sleepy… yes… very sleepy…

Clerk: When I snap my fingers you will wake up. You will forget this discussion. But whenever you see a GREEN LIGHT, you will fall instantly and heavily to sleep. Do you understand?

Customer (still dazed): Yes…. Master….

Clerk: Excellent. (snaps fingers, customer wakes up) Well, there you are, sir. Your renewed Minnesota driver license.

Customer (as he’s leaving): Wonderful! Thank you! Off to drive home on Highway 65!

Clerk (chuckling darkly to self…..): Meh heh heh heh….


Congratulations.

middle age riot


I hate meetings.

I really, really do. They’re an unnecessary time waster, they interrupt momentum that could be directed toward more pressing tasks, there are many more innovative methods these days for communicating information, and the people who actually LIKE the meetings do everything they can to pad them out to the inconvenience of others.

I know I’m not alone in this. I’m sure there are many others in my office who also dislike meetings. I’m thinking of identifying these people and scheduling a time where we can all sit down together and share our thoughts and feelings. I’m considering reserving a conference room for this, and sending out emails to all concerned letting them know about this event. I’ll create an agenda that lists all the aspects we want to discuss about our aversion to meetings. We’ll ask someone to write down everything that is said, and later send these notes out to all participants to review in advance of an additional gathering. Additions or subtractions to this list of concerns will be submitted ahead of time so that the group can decide to accept or deny them. Maybe there’s even a book available that lists out rules of order that we can follow.

Oh wait


“The building is on fire.”

“Okay, how quickly can we convene a meeting of the Ad Hoc Fire Exit Committee?”

“Um… there doesn’t seem to be a meeting room available until next Thursday.”

“Well, can we make sure to have a quorum present?”

“Not unless we include the note-taker as a voting member.”

“Done. And we need to make sure that any action we may take is not construed as a criticism of our valued fire-fighting professionals.”

“We can ask the Fire Fighters Union to send a representative, but I believe the members of their steering committee are all on vacation.”

“Well, then, I guess we’ll just have to wait. Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?”


Presidential fast food, explained.

trump-fast-food

Image from Business Insider

Think of how many pics we’ve seen of Dufus eating McDonalds hamburgers and KFC chicken. At first I thought it was nothing but a PR stunt. “See! I’m just like you! I eat fast food on my private jet – just like you!”

Turns out it’s not just a stunt. This supposed “billionaire restauranteur” actually eats nothing but fast food. So the question is: why?

Well, he can pop into a Mickey D’s or KFC, and no one would possibly know he was coming. He’s worried about being poisoned.

But wait a minute. Poison? Who the hell still poisons someone in the 21st century?

Oh….that’s who.


Things Republicans Teach Their Kids

THINGS REPUBLICANS TEACH THEIR KIDS


The House GOP’s new slogan. This is not a joke.

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Image from democraticunderground.com

Behold the new slogan for the Republicans in the US House of Representatives: “BETTER OFF NOW.”

Don’t laugh; they just made a spelling error.

It should be “BUGGER OFF NOW.”