Punchlines to some of my favorite jokes:

“If you do, I won’t go get the money!”

“Have you ever tried to buy aspirins while you’re winking?”

“Hey! Where the hell is my cookie?!”

“Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”

“Two candy bars and a Pepsi. Why?”

“Hell, no, not if I’m gonna have to explain it six times.”

“Sheep lie.”

“Got any grapes?”

“This is the Burns unit.”

“And you know, I think it works! I haven’t had a cold all winter!”

“When the son of a bitch I’m looking for dies, he’ll be on the front page.”

“If you’d stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

“I’m gonna be home late. The O’Malley twins are here.”

“If I wanted somebody half-heartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I’d get married.”

“Dave.. you’re a veterinarian.”

“And then you come in here, and drink my poison.”

“Okay… now what?”

“You didn’t tell me your father was a pharmacist.”

“Who said he wanted to?”

“Fifty cents.”

“If that fourth engine goes out, we’ll be up here all day.”

“Too tight, Toulouse.”

“Use both hands, you’ll spill less that way.”

“Also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser..”

“The Dewey Decimal System!”

“Oh, about a quarter after three.”

“What, do I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?!”

“Can’t go back to Perkins anymore..”

“Yeah, but you should see how much they left sticking up out of the ground!”

“He HAD a hat…..!”

“At ten bucks for a beer, you won’t get many more.”

“If ONE MORE GUY asks me that question… !”

“So?! Do you think everyone’s as stingy as you are?!”

“See? THAT’S why you never get invited to parties!”

Check here for Part II.
(Image courtesy of zazzle.com)