You’ve probably figured out that I kind of like ketchup.

I hope the day never arrives when I am too jaded and world-weary to get jazzed up about REALLY REALLY good ketchup. He who is tired of ketchup is tired of life. There is something so singular, so ennobling, so almost Zen-like about taking something that many use every day and embellishing it, making it as good and unique and exquisite as it possibly can be.

Gourmet ketchup? Craft ketchup? Microbrewed ketchup? Artisinal ketchup? Fancy-pants ketchup? I have no idea what to call it. All I know is I haven’t laughed as appreciatively at a website in months as I did at the site for Sir Kensingon’s Gourmet Scooping Ketchup.

Images and text from http://www.sirkensingtons.com

How exactly does the quality of Sir Kensington’s Gourmet Scooping Ketchup trump that of what you currently know? Well, you may begin by asking, “What’s in ketchup?” When Sir Kensington broaches the subject, most are quick to be puzzled, imagining that “tomatoes and salt” are the key ingredients. Some wily characters will suggest “sugar,” and those with a breadth of culinary knowledge will keenly answer with, “vinegar.” All viable answers, but none quite correct. You can imagine the shock that Sir Kensington felt when he realized that common ketchups did not even contain real sugar, but rather, industrial goo: high fructose corn syrup.
As a result of this shock, he did not merely acquire the basic ingredients of Heinz from natural sources, but rather returned to the annals of history in search of the secrets to creating high caliber ketchup. Sir Kensington referenced the original recipes from by Dutch seamen returning from the South China Sea where Europeans first encountered such sauces. After procuring the original parchment manuscripts from sailors’ family estates at auction (along with the actual estates for good measure), Sir Kensington developed eight prototype recipes. These recipes, he then blindly proffered at his ongoing symposiums with world leaders, asking his guests to rank them against each other and against the current market offering, bringing the ketchup to its current incarnaton.

And no discussion would be complete without an homage to Sir Kensington himself:

Sir Kensington himself likely invented the very fabric upon which you sit, among numerous other things. Below is a short compilation of his fantastic achievements:

  • Sir Kensington does not domesticate animals. He joins feral ones for wild adventures.
  • Sir Kensington invented Thanksgiving so he could levy fees on the Pilgrims who celebrated it.
  • Sir Kensington has his shoes resoled with old top hats.
  • Sir Kensington does not buy antiques; he antiquates objects for later resale.
  • Sir Kensington invented the British Pound Sterling because his silos were overflowing with gold bullion.
  • Sir Kensington invented apathy when he grew bored with emotion.

I gotta try this.

Think I’ll find in on the shelves anywhere near? Have you looked up Mora, MN on the map lately? No. I’ll be placing an order on their website, probably hanging by the door when I see the UPS truck head down the street. Like the Wells Fargo Wagon in “The Music Man.”

A review will follow.

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