More from Emo Philips

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“I’m not a Republican, but I’m saving up to be one.”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”

“I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

“I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.”

“I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.”

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

“You know what I hate? Indian givers…no, I take that back.”

“I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”

“Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.”

“People come up to me and say, ‘Emo, do people really come up to you?’”

“When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…”

“I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Here, lady, take your purse.’”

“Well, my brother says hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.”

“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said,‘ I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’”

“I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.”

“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’”

“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, ‘Emo, don’t go near the cellar door!’”

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”

“I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.”

“I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.”

“My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she’s reading.”