Sim sala bim.Posted: December 30, 2012 Filed under: Shenanigans and monkeyshines | Tags: jokes 1 Comment
Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. One of Carson’s most well known characters, Carnac was a “mystic from the east” who could psychically “divine” unseen answers to unknown questions. – Wikipedia
From multiple sources, including me: some original Carnac jokes, and some newer ones done in his style.
ANSWER: The Zip Code.
QUESTION: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
A: Hi diddly dee.
Q: How do you say “Good morning” to your diddly dee?
A: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Q: What’s the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?
Q: What do you say when calling your quat?
A: Follow the yellow brick road.
Q: What are good directions to a urologist’s office?
Q: What do you look for when you’re tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
A: Hickory dickory dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
A: The Big Ten.
Q: Describe the five finalists in the Miss Universe contest.
A. Whacka-doo, whacka-doo, whacka-doo.
Q. What do you look for when you’re tracking three whackas?
A: Leave it to Beaver.
Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?
Q: How do you tell a Sha not to do something?
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
A: Sis, Boom, Baa!
B. Describe the sound of an exploding sheep.
A: Heave ho.
Q: What happens when you eat too much ho?
A: Guns and Roses.
Q: Name two things a redneck brings on a first date.
A: Niagara Falls.
Q: If Viagra rises, what does Niagara do?
A: Miss Iowa.
Q: What won’t you do after you leave Des Moines?
A: The Minnesota Twins.
Q: What do you call a bunch of guys watching the World Series on TV?
A: Chicken Teriyaki.
Q: What is the name of the last surviving Kamikaze pilot?
A: Big Ben, Aaron Rodgers, and trickle-down economics.
Q: Name a clock, a jock, and a crock.
A: Barack, Newt, and Mitt.
Q: Name a President, a lizard, and a potholder.
A: Three Dog Night.
Q: What’s a bad night for a tree?
A: Mount Baldy.
Q: What happens when you get frisky with Sinead O’Connor?
A: A Thousand Clowns.
Q: What’s the membership of the Tea Party?
A: The Wolfman.
Q: What does Simon LeBon say when you ask him what he’s hungry like?
A: The Big Easy.
Q: Describe Kim Kardashian.
A: The Christian Science Monitor.
Q: Who supervises the monastery laboratory?
A: The Sun Also Rises.
Q: What happens after your daughter-in-law wakes up?
Q: What happens when you put firecrackers in the toilet?
A: The Curse Of The Mummy.
Q: What does Daddy hear when he comes home late?
Q: What do you use to fix a broken ig?
A: Long, hard, and wet.
Q: Describe the Titanic’s voyage.
A: Mountains out of molehills.
Q: What’s the motto of Britney Spears’s plastic surgeon?
A: In a pig’s ear.
Q: When Mike Tyson craves pork, where do you find his teeth?
A: Peas in a pod.
Q: What does an astronaut do when he has to go to the bathroom?
A: The Panama Canal and Michele Bachmann.
Q: Name a busy ditch and a dizzy bitch.
A: Lickety split.
Q: What is Chapter One of “Foreplay For Dummies”?
[…] do wonder, though, what Carnac The Magnificent would have done with that […]