As usual, Spock figures it out.

Image from mrfrisky.com

Spock was the master of euphemism. I’m not a Trekkie – I’ve seen most of the movies but only watched about a half-dozen episodes of The Next Generation, and none at all of the later flavors – but there are a dozen or so episodes from the original series that I remember fondly.

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This one was called “Amok Time.”  Basically, Spock starts acting like a highly illogical bull in a china shop on board the Enterprise. We find out that he is going through something the Vulcans call “Pon Farr”: that is when Vulcan males’ emotions go freakin’ wacko out of control once every seven years, possibly (but not necessarily) including going into heat. (Vulcan women too? They never say.) In Spock’s case, he has to mate or die like a salmon swimming upstream. As a boy wee Spock was betrothed to a young girl named T’Pring, who is now grown up, and he must return to Vulcan to get his freak on with her.

Image from Roddenberry.com

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Spock and Kirk and Bones beam down to Vulcan (against Federation orders, although that’s not really relevant to the story). There we meet T’Pring, who has become quite the Vulcan hottie, and her boy toy Stonn. Much to everyone’s surprise, she announces she is challenging the betrothal. This requires a fight between Spock and the suitor of T’Pring’s choosing. Much to everyone’s double surprise she selects Kirk as her “champion” (despite having never met him before).

Kirk is a sport about it. What the hell, if it’ll keep his buddy Spock alive, he’ll go for it. Oops. Much to everyone’s triple surprise, he finds out it’s a fight TO THE DEATH. (Dunn-dunn- DUHHNNNNNNNN…..)

Spock is in full balls-on Pon Farr heat by now, and goes after Kirk with the least lethal looking weapons of battle you’ve ever seen. Kirk gets winded, and Bones demands he be allowed to give Kirk a hypo so he can adjust to Vulcan atmosphere. Kirk gets the shot, the fight resumes, and.. gasp.. Spock kills Kirk. (Dunn-dunn-DUHHNNNNNNNN…..)

Bones beams back up with Kirk’s body, leaving Spock to confront his fair betrothed. This is where it gets interesting. T’Pring ‘fesses up that Stonn is the one who makes her Vulcan panties moist: and besides she didn’t feel like sitting home alone while Spock is out exploring strange new worlds etc. So she cooked up this plan. She didn’t put Stonn up for the fight, because she knew Spock would kick his pointy-eared ass. Thus she chose Kirk. If Kirk beat Spock, problem solved: Kirk wouldn’t have married her anyway. If Spock beat Kirk, he would be so dismayed with her that he would release her from the betrothal. If all else failed and Spock held her to the betrothal after all this, he’ll be off exploring strange new worlds etc. leaving her with Stonn. Which makes me wonder why she bothered with the whole challenge thing in the first place. But T’Pring wins, any way you slice it.

And here’s where Spock is the master of euphemism. Before he beams back up to the Enterprise to resign his commission, he tells Stonn:

“After a time you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.”

Which is the Vulcan way of saying:

“Good luck, bro. You just won yourself a cheating conniving drama queen. Live long and prosper, dude.”

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Well, needless to say, Spock returned to the Enterprise to find Kirk alive and well. The hypo Bones gave put him into an artificial coma so they could escape. Turns out, though, that Spock thinking he had killed Kirk was what slapped the Pon Farr right out of him.

I always wondered why Spock wasn’t pissed off at being tricked like that, but who knows. Sucks to be Kirk, too, knowing he’ll have to fake his death again once every seven years.