If Baseball Were Like The Singles ScenePosted: September 4, 2013
Announcer 1: Now approaching the plate from the on-deck circle: the designated hitter, number 56, Clete Bimbleman.
Announcer 2: Bimbleman makes his debut tonight after a fast ascent as a promising prospect. He’s primed for this appearance.
Announcer 1: His style and confidence created quite a buzz on the Internet. Now he’s earned a chance to show this prospective owner what he’ll bring to the team.
Announcer 2: Bimbleman adjusts his gloves, flexes his arms, shoulders the bat, and steps into the batter’s box.
Announcer 1: The pitcher takes the sign. Looks… sets… and delivers. (whoosh…) Fastball, outside. Bimbleman chases the pitch, swings, misses. Strike one.
Umpire: You’re out!
(Crowd gasps… mutters… then begins to yell and cat-call.)
Announcer 2: Um… hold on, that was only strike one.
Announcer 1: Yeah, it’s a new rule. During your first turn at bat: one strike, and you’re out.
Announcer 2: Wait… wut…?!
Announcer 1: One try, one chance, one swing, one strike… sorry, pal, that’s your shot.
Announcer 2: Wow. Seems a prospect worth calling up would get a fair shake, a chance to prove himself.
Announcer 1: Well, the prospective owners demanded this rule. All they want to see these days is one chance. They don’t have the time, or quite frankly the attention span either. And though some don’t have a lot of prospects, they still enjoy turning down a perfectly good one. It’s strategic. It makes them feel choosy.
Announcer 2: Ha! Clete just seems amused that he’s out after one strike! He’s waving to the fans, he tossed his batting helmet into the stands, he even shook the plate umpire’s hand before heading to the dugout.
Announcer 1: And here comes the prospective owner to talk with Bimbleman. She’s assuring him that he’s a great prospect; that it’s not him, it’s her; that she’s just not emotionally ready to try out another player; that he’s sure to find a team that is right for him…
Announcer 2: Straight outta the ol’ playbook.
Announcer 1: And as Clete turns and heads to the locker room… can you believe it?… she appears to have changed her mind. She’s signaled the umpire and the pitcher, and she’s offering Bimbleman another turn at bat! Wow!
Announcer 2: Geez Louise, can this get any weirder?!
Announcer 1: Bimbleman turns, looks, ponders… but… he tells her “no way.” He says he doesn’t need to be on a team that bad.
(Crowd stamping, whistling. and cheering.)
Announcer 2: All the players and the umpires are applauding as Bimbleman walks through the dugout tunnel, leaving behind one regretful prospective owner.
Announcer 1: How about that?! Clete Bimbleman is still a free agent!
Announcer 2: Not for too much longer, I bet…
Announcer 1: And that’s Baseball Tonight!