If Baseball Were Like The Singles Scene

Image from printabletreats.com

Image from printabletreats.com

Announcer 1: Now approaching the plate from the on-deck circle: the designated hitter, number 56, Clete Bimbleman.

Announcer 2: Bimbleman makes his debut tonight after a fast ascent as a promising prospect. He’s primed for this appearance.

Announcer 1: His style and confidence created quite a buzz on the Internet. Now he’s earned a chance to show this prospective owner what he’ll bring to the team.

Announcer 2: Bimbleman adjusts his gloves, flexes his arms, shoulders the bat, and steps into the batter’s box.

Announcer 1: The pitcher takes the sign. Looks… sets… and delivers. (whoosh…) Fastball, outside. Bimbleman chases the pitch, swings, misses. Strike one.

Umpire: You’re out!

(Crowd gasps… mutters… then begins to yell and cat-call.)

Announcer 2: Um… hold on, that was only strike one.

Announcer 1: Yeah, it’s a new rule. During your first turn at bat: one strike, and you’re out.

Announcer 2: Wait…  wut…?!

Announcer 1: One try, one chance, one swing, one strike… sorry, pal, that’s your shot.

Announcer 2: Wow. Seems a prospect worth calling up would get a fair shake, a chance to prove himself.

Announcer 1: Well, the prospective owners demanded this rule. All they want to see these days is one chance. They don’t have the time, or quite frankly the attention span either. And though some don’t have a lot of prospects, they still enjoy turning down a perfectly good one. It’s strategic. It makes them feel choosy.

Announcer 2: Ha! Clete just seems amused that he’s out after one strike! He’s waving to the fans, he tossed his batting helmet into the stands, he even shook the plate umpire’s hand before heading to the dugout.

Announcer 1: And here comes the prospective owner to talk with Bimbleman. She’s assuring him that he’s a great prospect; that it’s not him, it’s her; that she’s just not emotionally ready to try out another player; that he’s sure to find a team that is right for him…

Announcer 2: Straight outta the ol’ playbook.

Announcer 1: And as Clete turns and heads to the locker room… can you believe it?… she appears to have changed her mind. She’s signaled the umpire and the pitcher, and she’s offering Bimbleman another turn at bat! Wow!

Announcer 2: Geez Louise, can this get any weirder?!

Announcer 1: Bimbleman turns, looks, ponders… but… he tells her “no way.” He says he doesn’t need to be on a team that bad.

(Crowd stamping, whistling. and cheering.)

Announcer 2: All the players and the umpires are applauding as Bimbleman walks through the dugout tunnel, leaving behind one regretful prospective owner.

Announcer 1: How about that?! Clete Bimbleman is still a free agent!

Announcer 2: Not for too much longer, I bet…

Announcer 1: And that’s Baseball Tonight!

C’mon. Get real. This would never work.

Image from osatelegraph.org

A last-ditch desperate effort, a grand gesture, a Hail Mary pass, a demonstration to win her heart again and woo her back into your life is nothing more than a last-ditch desperate effort.

Whaaaaaat?! Romantic high-school movies lied to me all these years?! Yes, I’m afraid so. Chances are Ferris Bueller didn’t graduate with the rest of his class, either, and Spicoli probably didn’t graduate at all. Sorry to harsh your mellow.

“Can you imagine dumping a guy and then having him blast Peter Gabriel out on your lawn for a couple of hours? It’d be like, ‘Homeboy, I’m sorry. Really. Truly. But no.’ And did he rewind the tape every time the song ended, or did he make a tape that was just Peter Gabriel over and over again?” – Christine Friar

She will remember forever that he was so option-less and desperate he disturbed the whole neighborhood, just to beg her to take him back. So will the neighborhood.

Kickboxing, Lloyd. Sport of the future. Put the boombox down.


Image from allthatspam.blogspot.com

Overheard: a woman at a bar

Image from borderchallenge.net

“I like my men the way I like my coffee.”

Really? Okay:

Sweet, warm, and beige?

Exploitively transported from poor Third World countries?

Ground up and kept in the freezer?

Sitting in the can until you need them to do something?

Rosacea and tattoos

Image from rubylane.com

Quick confession: occasionally I experience a flare-up of rosacea. I’ve become adept at identifying and avoiding triggers. Flare-ups last only a couple of days and then fade away, but during those couple of days I look like I have moderate facial sunburn.

Needless to say, I become self-conscious at those times. I don’t care to draw much attention to myself under normal circumstances, and even less so when I look like Mr. Tomato Head. In particular I avoid social situations where I might engage with attractive women.

The dude wasn't quite this bad, but close.  Image from listabuzz.com

The dude wasn’t quite this bad, but close.
Image from listabuzz.com

Until the other day.

I was dining at a bar and grill in my small town, when this absolutely drop-dead gorgeous woman walked in. This is something not commonly seen in outstate Minnesota. All eyes turned to look at her.. and at the dude she was with. Who had tattoos all over his face. All. Over. His. Face.

This is also something not commonly seen in outstate Minnesota. At least one patron wondered aloud if the circus was in town.

“Love is blind,” as the saying goes, and there’s no accounting for taste. Maybe he’s just the dreamiest guy deep down inside, and no one can see it in him but her. Maybe she fell in love with him on-line. Maybe she owes him money. Maybe she lost a bet. Maybe this was a cruel sorority prank. I don’t know.

But I’ll tell you one thing: I sure as hell ain’t gonna worry about rosacea anymore.

Sense of humor ≠ babe magnet

Image from outsidethebeltway.com

Image from outsidethebeltway.com

“The worst bass player in rock’n’roll gets laid more than the best comedian.” – Jon Stewart

“Value is a prerequisite to humor.  If girls don’t laugh at your jokes it isn’t because you aren’t funny; it’s because you aren’t high-value enough.” – laidnyc

“There’s a joke here somewhere, and it’s on me.” – Bruce Springsteen

Her: “I’d love to meet a guy with a great sense of humor.”
Him: “Okay.. A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says..”
Her: “…. YAWN ….”

Women think guys they are attracted to are hilarious. You’ve all seen it: go to any party and you will find a woman cackling hysterically at some douche-nozzle’s douchey jokes that aren’t particularly funny. The Conventional Wisdom ™ is that women love funny guys. A guy who can make her laugh will make her feel good, so that’s what will win her heart. The various Nationally Advertised Dating Websites ® put up posts about it just about all the time, so it must be true, right? Right…?

Well, it’s kind of true, but in a bizarre Alice-Through-The-Looking-Glass, chicken-and-egg sort of weird alchemy. Not in a way that will help if you don’t already have the benefit of attraction going in your favor.

The woman cackling at the douche-nozzle at the party? She thinks his jokes are funny. She thinks he’s Bill Burr, Chris Rock, and Louis CK all wrapped up in one. Why? Because, sadly, she’s conflating cause and effect. Though she believes she’s attracted to funny guys, she’s got it backwards. She actually thinks attractive guys are funny… whether they are or not. She feels attraction to him, and everyone tells her funny guys are attractive, so..  voilá.. he’s the next Jerry Seinfeld, even if he’s telling jokes remembered from his junior-high cafeteria.

Image from betterworldmedicine.com

Image from betterworldbooks.com

So developing the sense of humor, the wry one-liners, the flawless comic timing won’t help you attract the woman. If she’s already attracted to you, however, she’ll attribute those qualities to you even if you’re reciting knock-knock jokes you copied onto your palm from the back pages of Reader’s Digest. (“Laughter: The Best Medicine,” my ass. What, they never heard of penicillin?!)

It’s great to be funny. The world needs more funny. It’s a great skill if you have it naturally, and great to cultivate it if you don’t. Seriously, be funny. Just don’t let yourself believe that it’s the Golden Road to Relationship Success. Don’t let the joke be on you.


Image from borderchallenge.net

(Scene: a couple on a date.)

Her: “I think it’s time we, you know, have ‘that chemistry conversation’.”

Him: “Okay.. uh.. test tubes, beakers, flasks, Bunsen burners, microscopes, centrifuges, lab coats.. Am I getting close?”

Her: No.