No doubt about it.

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Joke of the day.

Image from constantcontact.com

Three guys are walking through the desert: a Republican, a Tea Partier, and a Democrat. Suddenly they stumble upon a magic lamp.

A genie pops out and says, “I’m in a bit of a rush today. So instead of three wishes, each one of you only gets one.”

The Republican says, “I wish that all us Republicans could live where only rich people rule.” The genie snaps his fingers, and the Republican disappears to Saudi Arabia.

The Tea Partier says, “I wish that all us Tea Partiers could live where only religious people rule.” The genie snaps his fingers, and the Tea Partier disappears to Iran.

So the genie turns to the Democrat and asks what his wish is. The Democrat says, “So all of the Republicans and Tea Partiers are out of America for good?”

“Yes,” the genie replies.

The Democrat smiles and says, “I’ll have a Coke.”


Baking some gingerbread this morning from a mix.

Image from thelunacafe.com

Image from thelunacafe.com

Kind of a holiday tradition.

The directions on the box say: “Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until a fork inserted in center comes out clean.” So I inserted a fork in the center.

It came out so clean that I inserted all the dirty forks from the sink, and they all came out clean too.


Slightly tasteless Christmas joke

Image from thatjeffcarterwashere_blogspot.com

Image from thatjeffcarterwashere_blogspot.com

At a Christmas Eve service, the preacher was telling his congregation that the entirety of the human experience could be found in the Bible. Anything they could think of, old or new, he said, was discussed somewhere in the Bible, and every aspect of our daily lives will be addressed there.

After the service, he was approached by a middle-aged husband who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read: ” . . . and Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”


An oldie but a goodie

Image from spreadshirt.com

Image from spreadshirt.com

A guy goes into a crowded bar. He walks up to the counter and orders a beer. Then he says, “Hey bartender. I just heard the funniest Iowa joke ever. Let me tell it to you.”

A hush comes over the bar. The place turns still. Every eye turns to this guy.

The bartender clears his throat and says, “Sir, before you tell me that Iowa joke, let me point a few things out to you.” He points to his right and says, “Take a look at that end of the bar and tell me what you see.”

The guy looks and says, “Wow. Two big guys.”

“That’s right,” says the bartender. “Those are two Iowa farm boys.” He points to his left and says, “Take a look at that end of the bar and tell me what you see.”

The guy looks and says, “Wow. Two bigger guys.”

“That’s right,” says the bartender. “Those are two Iowa State wrestlers.” He points behind him and says, “Take a look back there and tell me what you see.”

The guy looks and says, “Wow. Two even bigger guys.”

“That’s right,” says the bartender. “Those are two Hawkeye linebackers.” He leans in to the guy and asks, “Now are you sure you still want to tell me that Iowa joke?”

“Hell, no,” scoffs the guy. “Not if I’m gonna have to explain it six times.”


Here you go, kiddies.

Image from Facebook

Image from Facebook


Thanks! I’ll be here all week

A friend of mine started a business where he sells trampolines to fortune-tellers.

He says prophets are going through the roof!


Slightly risqué joke of the day.

stand up comedianA proper British gentleman goes into a fancy, high-class department store. He begins to browse in the office supplies department. A young saleswoman walks up and asks if she could help him.

“Excuse me, miss,” the man asks, “but do you keep stationery?”

“Well,” she blushes, “sometimes I wiggle around a bit…”


“If I Only Had A Shot”

Photo by Laura Martin

Photo by Laura Martin

My friend Laura Martin (read her blog, folks, it’s awesome) recently was given a nifty souvenir gift: a “Wizard Of Oz” collectible shot glass.

Of course, you know I can’t just let this alone.

“If I Only Had A Shot”

I could while away the hours
Imbibing whisky sours
From bottles that I bought
When I can’t read the label
I’ll be slumpin’ on the table
If I only had a shot

I’ll be clever, I’ll be witty
I’ll chat up a girl who’s pretty
And tell her that she’s hot
Though I know at the closin’
I’ll be in the corner dozin’
If I only had a shot

Oh, I
Am one smooth guy
I’ll dance with every lass
I can bust a move while sippin’ from my glass
And then I fall
Right on my ass

I’m enjoying this libation
Ignoring moderation
Without a sober thought
But I won’t feel so spiffy
When I’m crouchin’ by the biffy
If I only had a shot


Funniest joke I’ve heard in months.

A Southerner goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, “Did y’all go to Harvard?”

The bartender says, “Yale.”

“Okay,” says the Southerner. “DID Y’ALL GO TO HARVARD?”