A man and woman are dining in a restaurant. They’re obviously in love, and things are becoming serious in their relationship.
A violinist is playing romantic music. The lights in the restaurant are dimmed down low.
The man fidgets nervously and says, “Honey, I’m.. ah, I’m not sure how to say this.”
The woman smiles, holds back some tears, and responds, “Just say it.”
The man picks up a bottle from the table and says, “Wor-Chester-Shire.”
Once upon a time there was a young monk named Sam. He belonged to an order that was renowned for beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song echoed down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
The order spoked regularly about an octave of rumored Magical Notes. Musicians had only theorized that these notes must exist, yet no one had ever reached one.
But Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And they all realized, instantly, that Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the Magical Notes.
On Sam’s 20th birthday it happened again. This time no one in the town moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note.
The next year on Sam’s 21st birthday, a pattern had emerged. This time all the townspeople were present, listening in awe as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. Words could not do justice to the experience. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter, year after year… that is until Sam’s 25th birthday. At first all seemed normal until Sam hit the next Magical Note. But this new sound was not beautiful; it was jarring and discordant. Sam was visibly uncomfortable, but doubled his resolve to get to the sweet part of the next Magical Note.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk. “What happened?” he asked.
The old monk shook his head sadly. “Isn’t it obvious?” he said.
“Sam sung Note 7.”
Q: Name a snoozer, a boozer, and a loser.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves the drink, and suddenly to everyone’s surprise the guy throws the drink in the bartender’s face.
The bartender is stunned. Wiping off his face he asks, “Hey, buddy. Why did you do that?”
The guy says, “Oh, sir, I’m so embarrassed. I really didn’t mean to do that. You see, I have an embarrassing psychosomatic condition that I can’t control. I really feel embarrassed; I hope you’ll please forgive me.”
The bartender takes pity on the guy and says, “You know, I have a psychiatrist friend who I think can help you. Here’s his number. You should call him. He can help you get over your embarrassing problem.” The guy thanks the bartender profusely and slinks out of the bar.
Months go by, and one day the same guy walks back into the bar. The bartender recognizes the guy and asks, “So did you ever go and see my psychiatrist friend?”
“Yes, I did!” the guy replies. “I see him twice a week, and it’s been going great! Thank you so much!”
The bartender beams and sets down a pint of beer in front of the guy. And suddenly to everyone’s surprise the guy throws it in the bartender’s face.
Shocked, the bartender says, “Hey, buddy. I thought you were getting help with your problem!”
“I am,” the guy replies. “I no longer feel embarrassed!”
Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 30 floors: floor 1, floor 2, floor 3, floor 4, floor 5, floor 6, floor 7, floor 8, floor 9, floor 10, floor 11, floor 12, floor 13, floor 14, floor 15, floor 16, floor 17, floor 18, floor 19, floor 20, floor 21, floor 22, floor 23, floor 24, floor 25, floor 26, floor 27, floor 28, floor 29, and floor 30.
One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every floor, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every floor: floor 1, floor 2, floor 3, floor 4, floor 5, floor 6, floor 7, floor 8, floor 9, floor 10, floor 11, floor 12, floor 13, floor 14, floor 15, floor 16, floor 17, floor 18, floor 19, floor 20, floor 21, floor 22, floor 23, floor 24, floor 25, floor 26, floor 27, floor 28, floor 29, and floor 30.
One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st floor when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss’s office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke.
It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on floor 3 were in tears. The engineers on floor 24 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every floor — floor 1, floor 2, floor 3, floor 4, floor 5, floor 6, floor 7, floor 8, floor 9, floor 10, floor 11, floor 12, floor 13, floor 14, floor 15, floor 16, floor 17, floor 18, floor 19, floor 20, floor 21, floor 22, floor 23, floor 24, floor 25, floor 26, floor 27, floor 28, floor 29, and floor 30 — could not stop laughing.
John walked out the door of his boss’s office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. “John, come with me now!” John reluctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes.
“John,” he said, “your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on floor 1, floor 2, floor 3, floor 4, floor 5, floor 6, floor 7, floor 8, floor 9, floor 10, floor 11, floor 12, floor 13, floor 14, floor 15, floor 16, floor 17, floor 18, floor 19, floor 20, floor 21, floor 22, floor 23, floor 24, floor 25, floor 26, floor 27, floor 28, floor 29, and floor 30! You’re fired! Clean out your desk and get out!”
But then his frown softened and he added, “Still, I have to admit…
…that joke was funny on so many levels.”
A Swiss tourist, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
“Entschuldigen Sie, sprechen Sie Deutsch?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
He tries again. “Excusez-moi, parlez-vous Français?” The two continue to stare.
“Mi scusi, lei parla italiano?” he asked. No response.
“Disculpe, habla usted Español?” Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” asked the second. “That guy spoke four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
Three guys are walking through the desert: a Republican, a Tea Partier, and a Democrat. Suddenly they stumble upon a magic lamp.
A genie pops out and says, “I’m in a bit of a rush today. So instead of three wishes, each one of you only gets one.”
The Republican says, “I wish that all us Republicans could live where only rich people rule.” The genie snaps his fingers, and the Republican disappears to Saudi Arabia.
The Tea Partier says, “I wish that all us Tea Partiers could live where only religious people rule.” The genie snaps his fingers, and the Tea Partier disappears to Iran.
So the genie turns to the Democrat and asks what his wish is. The Democrat says, “So all of the Republicans and Tea Partiers are out of America for good?”
“Yes,” the genie replies.
The Democrat smiles and says, “I’ll have a Coke.”
Kind of a holiday tradition.
The directions on the box say: “Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until a fork inserted in center comes out clean.” So I inserted a fork in the center.
It came out so clean that I inserted all the dirty forks from the sink, and they all came out clean too.
At a Christmas Eve service, the preacher was telling his congregation that the entirety of the human experience could be found in the Bible. Anything they could think of, old or new, he said, was discussed somewhere in the Bible, and every aspect of our daily lives will be addressed there.
After the service, he was approached by a middle-aged husband who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read: ” . . . and Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”
A guy goes into a crowded bar. He walks up to the counter and orders a beer. Then he says, “Hey bartender. I just heard the funniest Iowa joke ever. Let me tell it to you.”
A hush comes over the bar. The place turns still. Every eye turns to this guy.
The bartender clears his throat and says, “Sir, before you tell me that Iowa joke, let me point a few things out to you.” He points to his right and says, “Take a look at that end of the bar and tell me what you see.”
The guy looks and says, “Wow. Two big guys.”
“That’s right,” says the bartender. “Those are two Iowa farm boys.” He points to his left and says, “Take a look at that end of the bar and tell me what you see.”
The guy looks and says, “Wow. Two bigger guys.”
“That’s right,” says the bartender. “Those are two Iowa State wrestlers.” He points behind him and says, “Take a look back there and tell me what you see.”
The guy looks and says, “Wow. Two even bigger guys.”
“That’s right,” says the bartender. “Those are two Hawkeye linebackers.” He leans in to the guy and asks, “Now are you sure you still want to tell me that Iowa joke?”
“Hell, no,” scoffs the guy. “Not if I’m gonna have to explain it six times.”