A Minnesota joke.

Image from manychacha.wordpress.com

Ole and Lena are at the kitchen table for their usual morning cup of coffee and the weather report on WCCO. They hear Dave Lee and Mike Lynch announce, “There will be three to five inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows.”

“Oh, gosh, OK,” says Ole as he gets up, bundles up, and heads outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street. Click here for more.

Retro, slightly risqué joke of the day.

It’s 1962, and Susie was upstairs getting ready for the dance when her date arrived. Her dad answered the door and asked him to take a seat.

Image from The Vintage Guide To London

In the middle of the conversation the dad announced, “Susie really likes to screw.” Her boyfriend, shocked, asked him to repeat himself. The dad nodded and said, “Yeah, she really loves to screw. She’ll screw all night long if you ask her to.” Click here for more.

Slightly tasteless joke of the night

One evening at a bar, a bunch of frat dudes were playing “quarters” – where they bounce a quarter against the table top and try to land it in their beer glass. If they succeed, they get to chug the beer. Naturally, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. One of the frat dudes took a big swig… and swallowed the quarter. His face turned red, he started to gasp, and his friends cried out: “He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!”

A distinguished-looking man stood up from a nearby table, and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He folded his napkin carefully, placed it on his chair, removed his jacket and tie, and stepped over to the choking victim with almost no look of concern. Once there, he wrapped his hands around the frat dude’s crotch and squeezed… hard. Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. After a few minutes to gain his composure, the frat dude approached his rescuer at his table.

“You saved my life, sir. Thank you so much,” the frat dude exclaimed. “Tell me… are you a doctor? Are you a paramedic?”

“Oh heavens, no, nothing like that,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”

Sense of humor ≠ babe magnet

Image from outsidethebeltway.com

Image from outsidethebeltway.com

“The worst bass player in rock’n’roll gets laid more than the best comedian.” – Jon Stewart

“Value is a prerequisite to humor.  If girls don’t laugh at your jokes it isn’t because you aren’t funny; it’s because you aren’t high-value enough.” – laidnyc

“There’s a joke here somewhere, and it’s on me.” – Bruce Springsteen

Her: “I’d love to meet a guy with a great sense of humor.”
Him: “Okay.. A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says..”
Her: “…. YAWN ….”

Women think guys they are attracted to are hilarious. You’ve all seen it: go to any party and you will find a woman cackling hysterically at some douche-nozzle’s douchey jokes that aren’t particularly funny. The Conventional Wisdom ™ is that women love funny guys. A guy who can make her laugh will make her feel good, so that’s what will win her heart. The various Nationally Advertised Dating Websites ® put up posts about it just about all the time, so it must be true, right? Right…?

Well, it’s kind of true, but in a bizarre Alice-Through-The-Looking-Glass, chicken-and-egg sort of weird alchemy. Not in a way that will help if you don’t already have the benefit of attraction going in your favor.

The woman cackling at the douche-nozzle at the party? She thinks his jokes are funny. She thinks he’s Bill Burr, Chris Rock, and Louis CK all wrapped up in one. Why? Because, sadly, she’s conflating cause and effect. Though she believes she’s attracted to funny guys, she’s got it backwards. She actually thinks attractive guys are funny… whether they are or not. She feels attraction to him, and everyone tells her funny guys are attractive, so..  voilá.. he’s the next Jerry Seinfeld, even if he’s telling jokes remembered from his junior-high cafeteria.

Image from betterworldmedicine.com

Image from betterworldbooks.com

So developing the sense of humor, the wry one-liners, the flawless comic timing won’t help you attract the woman. If she’s already attracted to you, however, she’ll attribute those qualities to you even if you’re reciting knock-knock jokes you copied onto your palm from the back pages of Reader’s Digest. (“Laughter: The Best Medicine,” my ass. What, they never heard of penicillin?!)

It’s great to be funny. The world needs more funny. It’s a great skill if you have it naturally, and great to cultivate it if you don’t. Seriously, be funny. Just don’t let yourself believe that it’s the Golden Road to Relationship Success. Don’t let the joke be on you.

Slightly risqué joke of the day

Image from runforinnocence.com

A man sits in his living room, reading the newspaper. Whereupon his wife enters the room and approaches him slowly and seductively, a flirtatious smile on her face.

“Honey,” she asks in a soft sweet voice, “have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”

Not knowing what to make of this situation, he answers, “No.”

She gives him a sexy little smile and unbuttons her blouse. She reaches slowly into her cleavage, and seductively hands him a crumpled twenty-dollar bill out of her low-cut, silky bra.

Stepping in closer, she asks in a low sexy voice, “Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?”

Intrigued, he answers, “Uh, no.”

She gives him another sexy little smile, pulls up her skirt, seductively reaches into her tight sheer panties, and ever so slowly hands him a crumpled fifty-dollar bill.

“Now,” she coos as she leans down over him, “have you ever seen thirty thousand dollars all crumpled up?”

Breathless with anticipation, he stammers, “No-o-o-o-o.”

“Well,” she whispers in his ear, “then go look in the garage.”

Slightly tasteless joke of the day

stand up comedianA man went to visit his rabbi. He said, “Rabbi, I’m troubled. My son left home, and he came back a Christian.”

The rabbi replied, “You know, it’s funny that you bring that up. I’m troubled about my son too. He also left home, and he also came back a Christian.”

The two men decided to pray to God about it. As they bowed their heads in prayer, suddenly they heard a deep booming voice say:

“You know, it’s funny that you bring that up…”

Somewhat tasteless joke of the day.

O’Connor and Ryan were sitting in a pub, drinking stout and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a car pull up, and a Baptist minister got out and walked into the brothel. O’Connor sighed and said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw another car pull up, and a rabbi got out and walked into the brothel. Ryan sighed and said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see the Chosen People fallin’ victim to temptation.”

Then they saw another car pull up, and a priest got out and walked into the brothel. O’Connor sighed and said, “Aye, ’tis a shame.”

“Aye,” Ryan agreed. “One of the girls must be quite ill.”

Oh, dear Mater…

Oh, dear Mater....

Image from memebase.com

Okay, this one will probably give me nightmares.


Image from historicLOLs.com

Joke of the night.

From suddenlysolo.org

From the website Suddenly Solo.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me – I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife.”