Sim sala bim.

Image from Wikipedia

Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. One of Carson’s most well known characters, Carnac was a “mystic from the east” who could psychically “divine” unseen answers to unknown questions. – Wikipedia

From multiple sources, including me: some original Carnac jokes, and some newer ones done in his style.

ANSWER: The Zip Code.
QUESTION: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?

A: Hi diddly dee.
Q: How do you say “Good morning” to your diddly dee?

A: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Q: What’s the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?

A: Kumquat.
Q: What do you say when calling your quat?

A: Follow the yellow brick road.
Q: What are good directions to a urologist’s office?

A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you’re tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?

A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

A: Hickory dickory dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

A: The Big Ten.
Q: Describe the five finalists in the Miss Universe contest.

A. Whacka-doo, whacka-doo, whacka-doo.
Q. What do you look for when you’re tracking three whackas?

A: Leave it to Beaver.
Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?

A: Sha-na-na.
Q: How do you tell a Sha not to do something?

A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

A: Sis, Boom, Baa!
B. Describe the sound of an exploding sheep.

A: Heave ho.
Q: What happens when you eat too much ho?

A: Guns and Roses.
Q: Name two things a redneck brings on a first date.

A: Niagara Falls.
Q: If Viagra rises, what does Niagara do?

A: Miss Iowa.
Q: What won’t you do after you leave Des Moines?

A: The Minnesota Twins.
Q: What do you call a bunch of guys watching the World Series on TV?

A: Chicken Teriyaki.
Q: What is the name of the last surviving Kamikaze pilot?

A: Big Ben, Aaron Rodgers, and trickle-down economics.
Q: Name a clock, a jock, and a crock.

A: Barack, Newt, and Mitt.
Q: Name a President, a lizard, and a potholder.

A: Three Dog Night.
Q: What’s a bad night for a tree?

A: Mount Baldy.
Q: What happens when you get frisky with Sinead O’Connor?

A: A Thousand Clowns.
Q: What’s the membership of the Tea Party?

A: The Wolfman.
Q: What does Simon LeBon say when you ask him what he’s hungry like?

A: The Big Easy.
Q: Describe Kim Kardashian.

A: The Christian Science Monitor.
Q: Who supervises the monastery laboratory?

A: The Sun Also Rises.
Q: What happens after your daughter-in-law wakes up?

A: Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.
Q: What happens when you put firecrackers in the toilet?

A: The Curse Of The Mummy.
Q: What does Daddy hear when he comes home late?

A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to fix a broken ig?

A: Long, hard, and wet.
Q: Describe the Titanic’s voyage.

A: Mountains out of molehills.
Q: What’s the motto of Britney Spears’s plastic surgeon?

A: In a pig’s ear.
Q: When Mike Tyson craves pork, where do you find his teeth?

A: Peas in a pod.
Q: What does an astronaut do when he has to go to the bathroom?

A: The Panama Canal and Michele Bachmann.
Q: Name a busy ditch and a dizzy bitch.

A: Lickety split.
Q: What is Chapter One of “Foreplay For Dummies”?

Unintended setup lines are the best.

They’re gifts from the god of comedy.

This evening I dined at a fine fast-food restaurant. Behind the counter were a young high-school girl and boy. The girl began to chide the fellow for his messy hair.

“I can’t help it,” he replied. “I overslept and could only take a quick shower. I didn’t blow-dry it.”

“Don’t you have a comb?” she asked incredulously.

“No,” he scoffed. “I’m a guy. I don’t own a comb.”

“Gross,” she said as she rolled her eyes. “Look, I’ll buy you a comb.”

This is when my comedy powers became activated. I leaned across the counter toward the two of them and asked the young man, “If she does buy you a comb – you know what you should tell her?”

“Uh, no…” he replied. “What should I tell her?”

“Tell her,” I said…

“‘Thanks, I’ll never part with it!'”

Hey-ohhh!

Ladies, gents, Dave Letterman is right. There is no “off” position on the genius switch.

More from Emo Philips

Image from tvtropes.org

“I’m not a Republican, but I’m saving up to be one.”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”

“I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

“I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.”

“I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.”

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

“You know what I hate? Indian givers…no, I take that back.”

“I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”

“Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.”

“People come up to me and say, ‘Emo, do people really come up to you?’”

“When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…”

“I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Here, lady, take your purse.’”

“Well, my brother says hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.”

“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said,‘ I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’”

“I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.”

“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’”

“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, ‘Emo, don’t go near the cellar door!’”

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”

“I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.”

“I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.”

“My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she’s reading.”

In the manner of “Whose Line Is It Anyway”: The Halloween Hoedown!

Image from youtube

My friend Jessie reminded me that I wrote this a while back. So I’ll recycle!

I like Halloween, it’s really pretty neat
I like to see the kids when they go up and down my street
But I don’t think their parents will bring them by this year –
Maybe it’s because I gave out ice-cold cans of beer!

Canadian humor (humour?)

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually on the seventh day the archangel Gabriel found him resting. He asked God, “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. “Look Gabriel, look what I’ve made.”

Gabriel looked puzzled and asked, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” God replied, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth, and it’s going to be a place of great balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God pointed to different areas. “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

The Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Antarctica will be a cold spot.

Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.

And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor and hot and friendly. Can you see the balance?”

“Yes,” said Gabriel, as he pointed to a large land mass. “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful snow-capped mountains, untouched rivers, and forests of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people will be good-looking, intelligent, and humorous. And they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be respected throughout the world as artisans, diplomats, inventors, and pioneers.”

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration. But then he said, “What about balance, Lord? You said there will be balance!”

God replied, “Wait till you see the bastards I’m putting just south of them!”

Joke of the day

Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio are walking along.

They see a sign: “Contest for World’s Most Beautiful Woman.” Snow White goes in. Moments later she comes out smiling, wearing a crown.

They walk along and see another sign: “Contest for World’s Strongest Man.” Superman goes in. Moments later he comes out smiling, wearing the belt.

They walk along and see a sign: “Contest for World’s Greatest Liar.” Pinocchio goes in. Moments later he comes out with his head down, crying.

He looks at the other two and sobs, “Who the hell is Mitt Romney?!”