Good advice.

My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend.


“There was some consolation, though. When he would go into the other room, to the kitchen, or to the bathroom, she would hold onto my hand and she would say, ‘I wish it were just you and me here.’

And I remember thinking, ‘You could make that happen.’

The way she said it was as though she wasn’t involved in the decision process. Like, ‘I’d love to, but the boys in corporate…'”




How true.

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Dating 101: Remember What She Looks Like


The Law of Jinx

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The Law of Jinx says that if you think something is going to happen, it won’t. That’s called “jinxing it.” It is the exact opposite of the Law of Attraction. For example, when I woke up today I thought I was going to eat pancakes for breakfast. That jinxed it, and I had cold oatmeal instead. The Law of Jinx. It works every time! – Joe

A statement like “We’re sure to win the contest!” can be seen as a jinx because it tempts fate. After such a statement, failure would be ironic. For the human mind, however, the irony makes it all the more likely. This therefore brings bad luck: it is a “jinx.”  The Law of Attraction is diametrically opposed, and inversely proportional, to the Law of Jinx. Thus they cancel one another out. – Rollo Tomassi

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Song of the night: “You Pushed My Head Away” by Ted Hawkins (1985)

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My friend Bill Sammon at his fantastic blog Kool Kovers wrote the perfect, definitive tribute to Ted Hawkins. There’s nothing I can add to it. I’ll just say that the moment I first heard “Happy Hour” in 1985 I became a fan of Mr. Hawkins.

This song features exceptional guitar work by Robert Cray, billed as Night Train Clemons. The song would have been stellar with just Hawkins and his guitar; with Cray it becomes sensational, world-class.

And I don’t know many other songs about.. about.. this particular deed, but this one is truer to our experiences than most men care to admit. Think of George Costanza on “Seinfeld” when he lamented getting “the tap.”

It’s a lot of work, becoming a cunning linguist.

If Baseball Were Like The Singles Scene

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Announcer 1: Now approaching the plate from the on-deck circle: the designated hitter, number 56, Clete Bimbleman.

Announcer 2: Bimbleman makes his debut tonight after a fast ascent as a promising prospect. He’s primed for this appearance.

Announcer 1: His style and confidence created quite a buzz on the Internet. Now he’s earned a chance to show this prospective owner what he’ll bring to the team.

Announcer 2: Bimbleman adjusts his gloves, flexes his arms, shoulders the bat, and steps into the batter’s box.

Announcer 1: The pitcher takes the sign. Looks… sets… and delivers. (whoosh…) Fastball, outside. Bimbleman chases the pitch, swings, misses. Strike one.

Umpire: You’re out!

(Crowd gasps… mutters… then begins to yell and cat-call.)

Announcer 2: Um… hold on, that was only strike one.

Announcer 1: Yeah, it’s a new rule. During your first turn at bat: one strike, and you’re out.

Announcer 2: Wait…  wut…?!

Announcer 1: One try, one chance, one swing, one strike… sorry, pal, that’s your shot.

Announcer 2: Wow. Seems a prospect worth calling up would get a fair shake, a chance to prove himself.

Announcer 1: Well, the prospective owners demanded this rule. All they want to see these days is one chance. They don’t have the time, or quite frankly the attention span either. And though some don’t have a lot of prospects, they still enjoy turning down a perfectly good one. It’s strategic. It makes them feel choosy.

Announcer 2: Ha! Clete just seems amused that he’s out after one strike! He’s waving to the fans, he tossed his batting helmet into the stands, he even shook the plate umpire’s hand before heading to the dugout.

Announcer 1: And here comes the prospective owner to talk with Bimbleman. She’s assuring him that he’s a great prospect; that it’s not him, it’s her; that she’s just not emotionally ready to try out another player; that he’s sure to find a team that is right for him…

Announcer 2: Straight outta the ol’ playbook.

Announcer 1: And as Clete turns and heads to the locker room… can you believe it?… she appears to have changed her mind. She’s signaled the umpire and the pitcher, and she’s offering Bimbleman another turn at bat! Wow!

Announcer 2: Geez Louise, can this get any weirder?!

Announcer 1: Bimbleman turns, looks, ponders… but… he tells her “no way.” He says he doesn’t need to be on a team that bad.

(Crowd stamping, whistling. and cheering.)

Announcer 2: All the players and the umpires are applauding as Bimbleman walks through the dugout tunnel, leaving behind one regretful prospective owner.

Announcer 1: How about that?! Clete Bimbleman is still a free agent!

Announcer 2: Not for too much longer, I bet…

Announcer 1: And that’s Baseball Tonight!

C’mon. Get real. This would never work.

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A last-ditch desperate effort, a grand gesture, a Hail Mary pass, a demonstration to win her heart again and woo her back into your life is nothing more than a last-ditch desperate effort.

Whaaaaaat?! Romantic high-school movies lied to me all these years?! Yes, I’m afraid so. Chances are Ferris Bueller didn’t graduate with the rest of his class, either, and Spicoli probably didn’t graduate at all. Sorry to harsh your mellow.

“Can you imagine dumping a guy and then having him blast Peter Gabriel out on your lawn for a couple of hours? It’d be like, ‘Homeboy, I’m sorry. Really. Truly. But no.’ And did he rewind the tape every time the song ended, or did he make a tape that was just Peter Gabriel over and over again?” – Christine Friar

She will remember forever that he was so option-less and desperate he disturbed the whole neighborhood, just to beg her to take him back. So will the neighborhood.

Kickboxing, Lloyd. Sport of the future. Put the boombox down.


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