Okay, this is the funniest joke I’ve read in years.

Once upon a time there was a young monk named Sam. He belonged to an order that was renowned for beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song echoed down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

The order spoked regularly about an octave of rumored Magical Notes. Musicians had only theorized that these notes must exist, yet no one had ever reached one.

But Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And they all realized, instantly, that Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the Magical Notes.

On Sam’s 20th birthday it happened again. This time no one in the town moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note.

The next year on Sam’s 21st birthday, a pattern had emerged. This time all the townspeople were present, listening in awe as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. Words could not do justice to the experience. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo.

And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter, year after year… that is until Sam’s 25th birthday. At first all seemed normal until Sam hit the next Magical Note. But this new sound was not beautiful; it was jarring and discordant. Sam was visibly uncomfortable, but doubled his resolve to get to the sweet part of the next Magical Note.

Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.

The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk. “What happened?” he asked.

The old monk shook his head sadly. “Isn’t it obvious?” he said.

“Sam sung Note 7.”


The lesser-known Marx Brothers.

Some friends and I were riffing on this the other day: the unknown Marx Brothers.

Hash Marx – The family stoner, along with Hi Marx

Stretch Marx – The tallest one in the family

Punctuation Marx – Script editor

Check Marx – He kept the books

Registration Marx – Civil rights advocate

Pock Marx – The dermatologist

Skid Marx – Suffered from incontinence

Water Marx – Had a similar problem

Chalk Marx- Homicide detective

Nose Marx – The dog of the family

Bench Marx – Never was put in the game

Ear Marx – Someone was always giving him money

Bite Marx – A bit of a perv

Deutsch Marx – Their German cousin

Den Marx – Their Scandinavian cousin

Hall Marx – He never forgot a birthday

X Marx – Who didn’t like to be put on the spot

Scuff Marx – Never polished his shoes

Book Marx – He liked to bet on the ponies

Re Marx – He wouldn’t shut up

Trade Marx – Very possessive about his inventions

Birth Marx – Easy to spot when sunbathing

Land Marx – Led the way on expeditions

Beauty Marx – The family transvestite

Pencil Marx – Worked as a police sketch artist

Onya Marx – Their little-known Olympian sister

Post Marx – He always delivered

Guy Marx-Khin – Tattoo artist who married into the family

 


Workplace humor.

This morning we discussed a grant proposal for the Indian Community Development Block Grant. The ICDBG.

I said, that sounds like something you’d say if you spotted Barry Gibb.

“I C D B G!”


Slightly risqué joke of the day

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish when she went to see her gynecologist. “Now, now,” the doctor told the woman. “I’ve been your doctor for years. There’s nothing you can’t tell me.”

“I don’t know,” she said. “This one is kind of strange.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing I haven’t heard before,” the doctor replied soothingly. “Please tell me.”

“Well, okay,” the woman began. “Yesterday morning I went to the bathroom, and I heard a sound, plink-plink-plink, in the bowl. I took a look, and the water was full of pennies.”

“I see,” said the doctor. “Go on.”

“That afternoon I went to the bathroom again, and plink-plink-plink, the water was full of nickels,” she continued. “Before bed I went again. And plink-plink-plink, the water was full of dimes.”

“Interesting,” said the doctor. “Anything else?”

“Oh, yes,” she replied. “Just this morning I went again, and plink-plink-plink, the water was full of quarters! Doctor, you’ve got to tell me what’s wrong! I’m scared out of my wits!”

The doctor put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “There, there,” he reassured her. “It’s nothing to be scared about…”

“You’re simply going through the change.”


“Canada. It’s YUUUUUUGE.”

“I love Canada. I’m very popular there, believe me. The people love me. They welcome me into their igloos. And we share glasses of maple syrup. It’s excellent. It’s the best. But, folks, they have a country full of foreigners right in the middle. They all speak French, you have no idea what they’re saying. Although I’m sure many of them are good people, I think they should build a wall around it, just until they know what the hell is going on. I look forward to meeting with their new President, Justin Bieber.”


Help us help you, Donald.

hillary-hurt-you


Donald J. Trump, Will You Please Go NOW!

51l0ni45amlThe time has come.
The time is now.
Just go. Go. GO!
I don’t care how.

You can go by foot.
You can go by cow.
Donald J. Trump, will you please go now!

You can go on skates.
You can go on skis.
You can go in a hat.
But please go.
Please!

I don’t care.
You can go by bike.
You can go by Trump Airlines if you like.
If you like you can go in an old blue shoe.
Just go, go, GO!
Please do, do, DO!

Donald J. Trump, I don’t care how.
Donald J. Trump, will you please GO NOW!

You can go by balloon……or zeppelin.
OR You can go by camel with a Muslim guide.
You can go by school bus……or jet.
I don’t care how you go.
Just GET!

Get a witches’ broom.
You can go with a……………..BOOM!
Donald, Donald, Donald!
Will you leave this room!

Donald J. Trump!
I don’t care HOW.
Donald J. Trump!
Will you please GO NOW!

I said GO and GO I prayed….
The time had come.
BUT…Donald STAYED.